I live in a world that I don't understand. I dont know how I got here. It's all so overwhelming, I feel my eyes burn I want to sleep but these voices won't stop. Is life a cage and we're birds..our wings are trapped yet we see the open sky and hope to fly away. Without any clear destination in mind - away from here. Are we all built or were we free once. Does freedom exist or is it just a word an illusion. Is this emptiness that Im feeling an illusion too. Or will they give me a name for this in the ward. If I go visit them they'll let me in, into their institution, and there's a part of me that wants to see what its like to kept inside a ward, behind closed doors. Maybe they'll diagnose me. I get mad at myself for thinking these things. Why can't I stop whining. Why can't I enjoy the things money can buy, why don't I get a sense of satisfaction when I see money. I haven't looked at the money I earn I dont feel like looking at it or counting what I have. I dont even think about it. I go on living like this everyday. Something in me is crying, there's something that's trapped deep inside and although I can hear the echoes I don't know how to rescue her, I dont know how to bring her out to this world. But wouldnt that be worse - maybe her world is better than this one, maybe she just misses me. I cant escape this world, there's no way - before I used to think that death is the key. But the voices they've convinced me.I can't escape.

All this ridiculous ranting about how I feel, why even publish this to a blog. I DONT KNOW. Ironically, I know the reaction of most- go out, meet people, socialiZE ...every prescription is an illusion, you cant run away from this. Look for distractions and then you're back to where you were.

All these attachments.. family friends work money medicines drugs alcohol ARE CHAINING YOU.

Im in chains too. But at least I can see all the blood that they've drained out of me, at least I can feel the pain when they're constantly pulling me. Doesnt make a big difference. I dont know what Im saying - can it be because what im feeling is free from description, from words, can it be that this feeling is original